everything that I've done
by Arrowsbane
Summary: Naruto doesn't want to be a shinobi. Why couldn't they have just let him go? All he wants a peaceful life, but nobody ever listens. The consequences of forcing him into a life of steel on steel are devastating, and this can only end in tears. [Oneshot AU. Not a happy ending. Semi-dark Naruto.]


**everything that I've done**

 **Arrowsbane**

* * *

 _It's no secret, that the both of us, are running out of time…_

* * *

 _He doesn't want to be a shinobi._

He's born into a world of war, at the ground zero of a most harrowing event - in which a bijuu has been unleashed on an unsuspecting populace. He loses his mother to blood-loss and severe chakra depletion, his father to the Shinigami in the process of sealing the giant behemoth of chakra into his navel.

Life is the first and last gift that his parents are able to give him. In between that, they give him his name. _Naruto_. _Maelstrom, Tempest._ He is born to a name that expects him to become a hurricane, a tsunami, a typhoon - a driving force of nature that will change the very fabric of the world and save a hundred thousand lives.

 _But he doesn't want to be a shinobi._

* * *

His childhood is cold and almost pointless. What is the point of a childhood if you don't actually get to _be_ a child? Glares and cold words follow his every step and so he stops walking – starts running. He runs and runs, so hard and so fast that sometimes his feet bleed. But he can never outrun the feeling of loneliness that tugs at his heart.

 _Become a ninja_ , says the Old Man, _nobody will be able to hurt you again_.

 _I don't want to_ , he whimpers, turning his eyes down and feeling his shoulders slump as he thinks of how the ninja of the village are just as cruel as the civilians. He doesn't want to be like them.

But nobody listens – or rather, they just don't hear what he says.

* * *

He enrolls in the Academy. Not by choice.

One day a ninja dressed on black and wearing a white mask shows up on his doorstep and carries him across the village to the large building filled with lots of children his age. He doesn't like it one bit and refuses to pay attention in class, which results in more than one board-wiper being hurled at his head.

He doesn't do the homework, and plays hooky as often as he can. He shouts and pranks people, constantly laughing and screaming at the world in the only way he knows how.

 _Notice me,_ his almost manic grin says. _Listen to me. I don't want to be like you._

It doesn't work.

* * *

Friends are something he doesn't ever get the chance to have. If they aren't spoiled by their parents' opinion of him, they take one look at the dead last of the class and shun him. _They_ want to be ninja and can't stand the thought of somebody who doesn't.

The sheer irony of the situation makes a dark part of him laugh bitterly – they have a choice in the matter whereas he is constantly pushed into a life of darkness and steel on steel.

The wheels of fate have already begun to turn, and the drums of war beat ever-louder inside his head.

* * *

 _Why don't you study_ , the Old Man asks, _you have so much potential – so much smarter than your test scores._ Naruto just stares blankly at the Hokage, and then turns away in silence. He is reprimanded by his Sensei for his deliberate disrespect of the village leader, but he doesn't care.

(Some people say that respect is as easy to lose as it is to be earned, and Sarutobi has long since lost his for turning a deaf ear and blind eye.)

That night, alone in his dark and cold apartment, he laughs bitterly.

 _If I were that smart,_ he thinks, _I would have found a way to make you hear me._

* * *

He fails the final exam deliberately.

Not once, not twice, but three times and yet somehow he _still_ ends up in the Genin orientation waiting on yet _another_ teacher that he wants nothing more than to push off a cliff and be done with.

The silver-haired Jōnin doesn't even have the common decency to show up on time and makes him waste three hours of his life, in the end handing him a piece of paper and telling him not to eat breakfast.

 _Go screw yourself_ , he grumbles unhappily inside his head. He complains to the Hokage – he failed, why is he still being handed a headband?

 _It'll be good for you_ , the Old Man says, cheerfully waving him away – eyes fixed on the paperwork in front of him.

Yeah right.

* * *

It's not good for him. Or for his sanity.

The silver-haired wonder makes them wait even longer than the day before and once again, Naruto debates forgoing his pacifist ways and murdering his rose-haired cellmate.

[he prefers this term because it feels like the truth: he is locked into this profession like a jail cell and he can't pick the fucking lock]

The expression on the Uchiha's face suggests that the dark-haired teen is debating where to hide the body.

As expected, they fail the test.

It was a given really, seeing as the wisp of a kunoichi passes out under a pathetic genjutsu and the Uchiha wants to go it alone. Naruto doesn't even try, beyond throwing a kunai and absent-mindedly wondering if he can be court-marshalled and expelled from the corps if he causes bodily harm.

Then somehow he ends up tied to the stump (go figure) and forbidden food. His no-longer-a-potential-cellmate offers him food and he's happy to chow down, safe in the knowledge that they fa—

Nope. Goddamn. Son of a –

They pass. Damn that one-eyed bastard to the pits of hell and back. He had been so close to freedom.

Naruto goes back to the drawing board with murderous thoughts brewing closer to the surface than ever before. Deep inside the seal, crimson chakra begins to stir as the Kyuubi reacts to his anger.

* * *

D-ranks are the single most humiliating thing in the world.

He wouldn't have minded doing this work, it's soothing really. Completely civilian-like and no weapons involved. But they become humiliating because he has to wear the headband, because sensei wants them to roof-hop while carrying groceries [What about the eggs? Dear gods man] and use chakra for the silliest things.

They're humiliating, because Naruto is so close to what he really wants to be – normal, and he knows that the minute they've done the requisite amount, he's going to be torn away from it again and sent off to do ninja-stuff, whatever the hell that is.

Sakura whines a lot and Sasuke gives off the impression that this is all beneath him, which makes Naruto want to strangle him. What's wrong with being ordinary? It's not fair.

* * *

Tora the cat has made a break for it once again and Naruto doesn't blame the poor thing, not one bit. Team 7 is sent after the hellcat, although one of its members does so half-heartedly, hoping that their fellow oppressed creature will succeed and escape. Sadly, it is not to be, they track down the fierce feline and corner it – Naruto is the one left carrying it.

The cat puts up a heroic struggle, and then suddenly stops when it sees his face, sees his eyes. Tora reluctantly surrenders and curls up in his arms, purring and rubbing her face against his in an attempt at comfort. Cats are very good at knowing when people are sad, and this one is no different.

When he hands the cat back to Lady Shijimi, it is not willingly – he wants to take Tora and run, find a place where they can both exist outside their chains – but he does so.

Being a ninja changes nothing. He's still a chained dog.

* * *

They are assigned a C-rank next, and Naruto suppresses an almighty sigh. He doesn't want to fight.

The old, drunken man sways unsteadily on his feet and peers at them through bottle-cap thick glasses before declaring them useless – especially the blonde with the sad face (Naruto rolls his eyes at this). Kakashi reassures the man and sends them to pack.

He drags his feet the entire way to his apartment.

A C Rank. _Yay._ [Not.]

* * *

He doesn't appreciate sneak attacks. Especially when he ends up with a poisoned dagger in his hand, or whatever the hell it is. He's too fucking pissed off to care. It's not like it matters, he'll heal in less than half an hour and sweat the poison out.

He's isn't that stupid. He put together the _big secret_ years ago thanks to a drunk civilian who ended up with a kunai in his throat. He knows about the Kyuubi, knows the malevolent chakra is beginning to traverse his network, knows that he is just yet another weapon in the armory. Why else would he have been shoved into this career so roughly and doggedly.

He doesn't protest when Kakashi says that protocol dictates they should return to the village, ignores the blatant attempt to bait him, and when he begins to trudge home he misses the annoyed glint in the Hatake's eye. An abrupt change of heart makes their sensei order them to continue on anyway. Figures.

 _It'll be good for you;_ the fool teacher exclaims cheerfully. Naruto has a few other ideas of what might be good for him – like homicide.

(Somewhere in the back of his head he hears dark laughter, and he pushes it away.)

But he follows anyway. God only knows why.

* * *

Miracle of miracles, they survive Zabuza. He has a sinking feeling that the only reason he and his cellmates are alive is because the missing nin found his apathy amusing. _Bastard._

Kakashi passes out though, and once more Naruto finds his assumption about shinobi life reaffirmed. It's exhausting. Give him a can of paint and a brush any day.

The little shit that the client calls his grandson doesn't help matters any either. Yes, he _knows_ there isn't any such thing as a hero, shut the fuck up already. The brat doesn't shut up and it sets Sakura off.

Naruto takes his sleeping bag and some rope, and ties himself to a sturdy branch in a tall tree. He tries to will his migraine away and falls into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

He's not going to dignify the rest of the mission with a memory. Nope. He's erasing it from his mind.

The Great Tazuna Bridge stands tall behind him as they leave and it's like the stupid thing is mocking him.

 _Look at me_ , it whispers tauntingly _. I exist because of shinobi._

He wants nothing more than to blow it up and run like hell, but he doesn't. He just trudges on slowly, ignoring the feeling of another little part of him dying inside.

* * *

The Hokage has the utter gall to praise him when they report in, and Naruto once more has to suppress the dangerous need to kill something. The old man carries on jovially, ignoring the dead blue eyes that stare balefully up at him and tells them to take two days off before reporting in for another D-rank.

Naruto spends that time hiding away from his cellmates and even retreats to one of his sewer bolt-holes to avoid being tracked by Kakashi's nin-dogs.

The next week, he's handed a piece of paper and firmly told to fill it out. Nobody bothers to tell him that it's actually an application for the Chūnin exams.

The poor chūnin who handed him the paper ends up hanging upside-down naked and covered in honey over a nest of giant ants. He deserves it.

* * *

He isn't stupid, contrary to popular belief. The examiner is using scare tactics to make them submit, but really wants them to cheat.

 _Okay_ , he thinks, _I can do that._ The scarred Jōnin pretty much says that they can cheat X number of times before getting disqualified. He only needs to cheat once if he does it right.

Maybe literally walking up to the front desk and swiping the important papers left there by a Chūnin proctor is a bit obvious, but hey, it works. The other Genin goggle at him incredulously as he walks back to his desk. He nearly puts a kunai through the hand of an assistant proctor that tries to stop him.

"You can't do that!" The Chūnin complains, turning to face the Jōnin, "He can't do that, right?"

"I'll allow it," The Jōnin says, amusement clear in his voice, "but he still loses two points."

Naruto suppresses a snort as he copies the answer sheet. It's pathetic really.

* * *

He signs the release papers under Sasuke's watchful (read: threatening) glare, and follows his team [reluctantly] into the Forest of Death. Hmm… it certainly has potential. For a while, Naruto muses the pros and cons of building a little house in there.

Some creepy snake freak appears out of nowhere and gives Sasuke a really nasty looking Hickey while Sakura cries and wails. Naruto watches with interest as a seal forms on his cellmate's neck, before slinging the older boy over his shoulder and dragging the pink-haired kunoichi along.

He uses her as bait and then drags them both to the tower, dumping them on the Chūnin who responds to the scrolls summoning.

"He got bitten by some creeper and she's suffering from not being able to fawn over him." Naruto says with lackluster. "Can I have a shower now?"

* * *

"Does anybody want to quit?" The coughing Proctor for the Prelims asks, and a grey-haired genin named Kabuto is more than happy to leave, claiming something about low chakra and poor hearing. Naruto is halfway out of the door behind him when Kakashi appears out of nowhere and yanks him backwards.

"And where does my cute little genin think he's going?"

"Home." Naruto says firmly.

"I'm done with this, and you can't guilt me into it with them anymore." He waves in the direction of Sasuke and Sakura.

"Nope," Kakashi says, steering him back toward the arena.

"What the hell is your problem?" Naruto rages, but it comes out more like 'Wha tha mffph rrgh?' because there is a hand over his mouth and he's kicking up a fuss, squirming to get away.

"Sorry about that," Kakashi says brightly to the other Jōnin. "He's directionally challenged; I'm always having to find him when he wanders off."

Everybody in the room eyes the eccentric Jōnin skeptically, but nobody protests. Naruto begins plotting revenge and the next time Kakashi goes home, he'll be faced with the trap-fest of the century.

(In the end, he never has the chance to be electrocuted six ways to Sunday. What happens is much worse.)

* * *

He's so fucking pissed off with Kakashi that he doesn't even give Kiba the chance to draw a kunai and hits the boy so hard and so fast that he slams into the wall and suffers severe blunt force trauma. Three vertebrate are damaged and his left forearm is cleanly broken in four different places.

Akamaru wisely backs down and turns to comfort his master instead.

It's a good thing, because when he disappears into the forest that night, Naruto leaves a trail of bodies behind him. In the morning, he'll retch and gag at the thought of what he's done, but in the heat of the moment, he's too angry to care.

* * *

"I'm off to train Sasuke," Kakashi-the-eternal-bastard says, not even having the common decency to apologize for the Prelims. "But I found you a teacher."

"No thanks."

"Not an option brat." Kakashi says firmly, with a dangerous look in his eye. Naruto glares at him.

"I hope Sasuke guts you by accident," he says in a cold voice, and startles even himself, because he actually means it. What happened to his pacifistic outlook on life? He's already warped into something he never wanted to be.

Kakashi stares at him, wide-eyed and surprised. He doesn't deserve to be surprised, not when he keeps pushing Naruto the way he does.

Suddenly Naruto finds himself sprawled on the floor, his vision blurring.

"That's enough of that," a sharp voice snaps, "On your feet Uzumaki."

Naruto turns his head to see the closet pervert of a Jōnin that is always running around after the Hokage's grandson and climbs to his feet, brushing himself off.

" _Fuck. You."_ He says emphatically, and then he disappears. If there is one part of being a shinobi that Naruto is good at, it is hiding.

But he can't hide forever.

* * *

He's not given a choice about the Finals, not when a large amount of Nobility and potential clients are in the audience. Then again, he's never been given a choice.

Naruto doesn't see what the point is, it's not like he's anybody special – not like he belongs to a clan or had important parents. If he did, maybe his childhood might have been easier, but with the way he's been treated, the likelihood is miniscule.

He wiggles half-heartedly in the Jōnin's grip as a token struggle, knowing full well that he can't really get out of this. He's dumped into the ring without so much as a second glance and pulls himself to his feet in order to face the Hyuuga prodigy. He remembers what the cruel boy did to his gentle cousin and somewhere deep inside him a surge of hatred begins to bubble up.

* * *

Neji goes on and on about fate and Naruto can't help but feel for the guy. He hates him for what he did to the sweet and kind Hinata, even if he was right that she shouldn't have been a ninja – a girl like that would be far better suited to civilian life. But he totally gets the idea of being trapped. When the other Genin begins to beat the shit out of him, he doesn't even resist.

 _Why?_ Neji asks. _Why won't you fight me?_

 _Because I understand. Because I am chained too._

It only enrages the Hyuuga boy further, and Naruto finds himself being slammed against the hard wall and fading into unconsciousness.

* * *

Lost in thought and deep in depression, he dives into the very dregs of his mind – into a sewer that is dank and decaying and home to the single most dangerous force of nature in existence. Bleak blue eyes focus on a tiny scrap of paper holding the corroded bars shut, and lifts a hand to trace the illegible script before tucking a finger beneath the flimsy material.

 _I never wanted to be a shinobi,_ he thinks, breaking the seal with a single sharp and easy movement. It's the first choice he ever makes that is truly his own.

 _Let this end_ , _let me go…_ The paper splits down the middle and then the world is enveloped in fire and color and hot red chakra that burns his very soul. Konoha goes down in a blaze of fire as ash and smoke fill the air. Consider it his last gift to those who denied him a peaceful life.

Then everything dissolves into darkness, _and he is_ _free._

* * *

 **Yeah… So I wondered what life would be like if Naruto didn't want to be Hokage, or a ninja point blank and was forced into it anyway. So sue me, I got depressing feels and Konoha ended up razed to the ground. I ain't all sunshine and roses and happy-endings y'know.**

 **It's this wonderful [read: I hate this part of my life] medical problem called Dysthmia and I'm heading towards my bi-annual meltdown. Shit happens… Mostly characters die and their worlds are destroyed. Be grateful my issues are internalized – I'm pretty sure my counselor once wrote the words 'sometimes borderline sociopathic' on her notepad during a session.**

 **Cover photo owned by Deviant Art's Chief117john, who gave permission for me to use it. It can be found here: chief117john dot deviantart dot com / art / Naruto-s-Seal-No-1-84636989**


End file.
